Single parents who take their children’s education seriously and have set corresponding goals find themselves in one of the greatest of all educational challenges.
A Unique Story
Every single parent has a unique story to tell. Much suffering can be generated when this story is misunderstood and subsequently communicated. Such a parent is in dire need of friends and relatives who can take an active part in building up the family and who can appreciate the uniqueness of the situation and people involved.
It is and remains a huge challenge to keep the children’s love tank more or less full. Parents sometimes reach the limits of their strength and nerves, feeling tense and tired at the same time. At those times, one feels his or her own need of love and attention, but it seems that’s when the children are especially trying and tough on one’s nerves. How wonderful it is when your partner can take over for a while! But what if there is none?
In these situations, the single parent must bear the pressure alone as well as possible, giving love to the children, when his or her own love tank is practically empty. Thus the single parent becomes a lone warrior, trying to meet specific challenges to the best of his or her ability. We hope to define some of those challenges here.
Parents who are suddenly left single experience the collapse of their dreams. It is impossible to imagine the suffering caused by losing faith in love and in the hope for a future together as a family. In this case, it’s important to remind oneself: Never, never, never give up! This too shall pass. It will all turn out well in the end.
Reasons
There are various reasons why a person may be a single parent.
· In cases of separation and divorce, children often have amiable contact with the parent who does not have custody. If this is not the case, it would be important to entrust some other suitable person with that missing parental role. It could be loving grandparents, or an uncle, aunt or cousin.
· In case of death it is not only the children who experience trauma. The partner left alone is likely to become emotionally and physically exhausted by the demands of making a living, doing the work of two, coping with the children’s educational challenges, and wanting his or her own private life. (see the blog called Fear of Loss)
Areas of Conflict
A person who is raising children alone, besides earning the living and desiring a private life, knows all about areas of conflict. Time pressure, financial straits and perhaps a descent down on the rungs of the social ladder can be the result. Some are greeted with social incomprehension, doubt of their abilities and much more, which may drive them into isolation.
Another area of conflict is the question of guilt. In case of death, a child will at some point realize he or she will have to live with it. When both parents are alive but living separately, the biggest challenge will be to teach the children positive behavior toward both parents, not undermining each other’s authority and relationship to the children.
All the friends who are against divorce will be strongly tempted to make their objections known. We should all remember that such single parents are in need of our wholehearted support, so that further damage can be avoided.
It is important to take the needs of the children seriously. But the hurting fathers and mothers, who are trying to give their children the impression that life is a good thing, also have needs. Those who can tap into the resource of a loving God are well positioned to make something positive out of such difficulties. Without access to the Source of Love, circumstances are much more difficult. May He help them all.
The tense atmosphere at home does not make it easy to react to challenges patiently and constructively. Educational farsightedness and insight are needed in order to guide family conflicts to a good conclusion.
How to Help the Children
Fear and worry are reasons why a person’s love tank may never be completely filled. Children who have experienced divorce or the loss of one parent by death are especially endangered and are in dire need of someone with whom they can talk and cry. Those who find themselves in this role would do well to consider the following phases in order to be more supportive. These phases are fluid and can be somewhat intertwined, making them sometimes difficult to recognize.
1. Denial
The child’s first reaction is denial. He or she refuses to believe what has happened is actually true. He or she will tell him or herself over and over that this separation is just temporary or the deceased parent is away for a time and will return soon. This is the time when children experience the greatest fear and sorrow. Absence is a huge loss (see fear of loss). There will be many tears and, in case of divorce, the feeling of being neglected will develop.
By listening patiently, showing understanding and applying the child’s love languages, an adult can help the child to overcome this phase. (See Love Languages)
2. Anger
The phase of denial can be accompanied by anger and rage. The child can be furious at his or her parents because they are not attending to their parental duties: Children depend completely on the presence and care of their parents. Some children express their anger; others hold it inside for fear of burdening their parents or being punished for expressing their feelings.
The weakness of the children’s position is demonstrated in the fact that they have no vote, although they are strongly affected by the situation. They need someone with whom to share their thoughts.
Anger can be directed at one or both parents, or in the case of death, God can be the recipient. Children need someone who loves them and with whom they feel secure. Here is where relatives and friends are needed, especially when the parent carrying the greatest burden of caring for the children has lost strength and courage.
If, for example, physical touch is a child’s love language, hugs are of great value. But, of course, not just anybody can hug a child.
3. Bargaining
After denial and anger, a longing is awakened in the child to salvage what’s left of the wreckage, and he or she will try to get his or her parents back together by talk, discussion and argument. If these strategies are unsuccessful, he or she may become desperate and try alternatives such as drugs, shoplifting, vandalism or sexual adventures. In the worst case, suicide will appear as a viable option.
In this phase, a person of strong character who the child values is needed. Children in this phase often throw faith overboard and desert their social group, where they might have found comfort in their troubles. This should be prevented. Friends of the same age group who are trustworthy, compassionate and of strong faith can sometimes have a positive impact.
4. Depression
When manipulation and bargaining have yielded no visible success, dismay increases. The children are afflicted with feelings of guilt, fear, anger and insecurity. Their supply of energy is depleted, so their grades, social behavior and respect of authority suffer.
It is evident that children in this phase are affected. Sometimes they can think clearly, and at other times they can hardly concentrate on their studies.
It can be helpful to read an interesting book together. You do the reading and either continue on or stop and talk according to their reactions. This can boost the child’s concentration and trust. In this way, the love language “quality time” can be practiced, while at the same time communicating educational values. A story can sometimes be stopped in the middle. Then, together, further development can be imagined and discussed, thus possibly revealing some inner motives, which can also be talked over.
Such talks can be a great relief, because children tend to blame themselves and others for every terrible situation they find themselves in. The talking time can have a calming effect, and it is much easier for them to think when not infuriated. Additionally with this exercise, tolerance and analytic thinking can be improved.
Plentiful exercise or joining group activities such as a sports club, music school, hiking group, scouts or pathfinders could prove to have a healing affect. This can facilitate the next important step in recovery, which is the acceptance of one’s situation in life.
Escape into a make believe world seems the best option: life is much easier there than in the complicated world of adults. Many youth think and feel exactly so. It is a dangerous path they’re on and can end in social incompetence.
5. Acceptance
In this phase, the child has come to terms with his or her situation and will meet each new manifestation of loss in his or her own way, emphasizing the benefits more and more. There will be days when the child will be willing to work on having fun again, which will make beautiful memories for the future. A nice outing together, a cheery, positive Christmas celebration and the joy of giving gifts are examples.
However, there will be other days when the child is not so happy and seems far from having a good attitude. On such days the child may stumble back into an earlier phase and must struggle to regain a positive footing. The path to acceptance is not a straight or easy one, nor is it one that need only be mastered once.
Time does NOT heal all wounds. We all have emotional wounds from our childhoods that have never healed. The reason for that is emotional wounds do not heal themselves. They normally are repressed, and then surface from time to time as emotional pain, accompanied by deep sorrow, anger and other pent-up emotions. In order to achieve full acceptance, one must deal with these wounds. Children need people around them who are interested in them and who are willing to accompany them for a few miles on their path through life.
Continuing Progress Thanks to Extra Support
In order to ensure progress, it is important to accept the help of others. Children are made in such a way that, in order for them to really understand love, they need to experience the expression of it from each parent’s perspective. Single parents are therefore never really able to foster love in its entirety for their children. Both the mother’s and the father’s example are needed to develop the ability to love in a child, though that is not a guarantee of success. Raising children is and remains challenging and, generally, does not simply work out automatically.
Most single parents are grateful for support, and sometimes those who would like to help should just say so. Potential and able helpers are often too shy to offer, while some single parents are too embarrassed to accept help because they are hesitant to speak of their needs. One must always remember that it is not just their own, but the needs of the children that should be considered.
Showing understanding, giving direction, guiding into independence are all important functions of significant adults in the life of ANY teenager, but especially in a broken home. And whatever you do, do not let a guilty conscience drive you into spoiling them!
Application of the Love Languages
Conversation is especially important for traumatized children. It helps them to understand life better and to recognize the opportunities and risks involved. The most important thing in this process is that the child can experience and know that he or she is loved. The practice of filling an emotional tank is practically experienced in active listening, helping the child to accept the reality of his or her situation, accepting his or her suffering, and showing empathy and suffering together.
The five love languages are very well designed to help children in their development. As soon as they can accept the situation and slowly comprehend that their parents’ marriage cannot be saved, they will become emotionally more willing to accept love from both parents.
If children can receive enough love and support in this extremely difficult chapter of their lives, they can survive the suffering of a divorce relatively well. Never give up hope. Hold on to the dreams you have for each of your children. Every day is a new day. You will see that your endeavors will pay off. Parents who are faithful in their efforts will be rewarded more than a hundredfold, at the latest, when they are grandparents.
Sometimes an honest apology from all sides can be helpful. Although everything is not perfect, we really do want the best for each other. Let us think, feel and act with the other’s best interests in mind. Let us be a team that goes through thick and thin together.
Take Care of Yourself!
Conversation is especially important for traumatized children. It helps them to understand life better and to recognize the opportunities and risks involved. The most important thing in this process is that the child can experience and know that he or she is loved. The practice of filling an emotional tank is practically experienced in active listening, helping the child to accept the reality of his or her situation, accepting his or her suffering, and showing empathy and suffering together.
Don’t forget your own needs. If you can love and accept yourself in adverse situations, if you can feel God’s comfort and Jesus’ love every day, you can look forward to getting your own love tank filled again and again.
In this especially difficult time, one must be careful about making new friends. Often, in a moment of vulnerability, especially on the heels of trauma, one is more likely to respond to romantic advances without analyzing the situation properly. Some people are skilled at detecting and exploiting such circumstances. Suddenly one might find oneself in the arms of one who is not trustworthy, but more interested in sexual, emotional or financial exploitation than in giving true love. Be careful! Loneliness and a desire for love can put you on perilous emotional ground, which can be compounded further by strategically wrong decisions. Good friends may be able to give counsel that could keep one from jumping from the frying pan into the fire! Ask them.
If you believe in God, ask your closest friends to pray for your family. It really makes a difference.
Wishing you much strength and wisdom,
Ernst
Ref: The Five Love Languages for Children - Gary Chapman & Ross Campbel
