My home is my castle. Home is the place where we get programmed for life. It is also where the most important battles are either won or lost. Those who are aware of this important fact can take steps to positively impact the destiny of family members.
Home Sweet Home
It is easy to furnish a house; but few understand the art of creating a home. Each individual in a house either promotes or hinders the process.
In Africa they say every road eventually leads home, and in Russia, those who feel at home everywhere are actually never at home! What do you think?
When I was a little boy in Berneck (eastern Switzerland), an older lady lived at our house with us. Whenever she got a chance, she would recite the following poem:
When old “Aunt Marti” died, my father continued the tradition until he died. Now it’s my turn, and I hope my children will carry the tradition into their homes. As parents we don’t raise children; we raise adults who will one day have their own homes and write their own stories.
Three suggestions for a balanced family:
1. Get to know your own story better
o We are often unaware of how our reactions appear to others. Our high volume, hurtful scolding, ugly comments and emotional unavailability are all linked to our own personal history.
o Christian Morgenstern once said: "Home isn't where our house is, but wherever we are understood." This shows where our ability to understand is developed. Those who understand their history understand themselves better, and those who understand themselves better can understand more.
o So, if we will take the time to track and ponder the fears that show up in practical ways in our interactions, note our observations and speak about them with a friend or partner, we may learn to replace our negative thoughts with positive ones. If parents worked through their fears in this way, their children would benefit greatly.
2. Understanding and Being Understood
o In order for others to understand us, it is important for us to understand them. Conversely, the better we understand others, the easier it will be for them to understand us.
o Behind every difficult person (or child) is an element of misunderstanding. Low self-esteem and the inability to accept authority are generated by this feeling of being misunderstood.
o When children or adults make trouble, it is usually a sign that they have a problem with themselves, i.e. they feel misunderstood. (see BLOG). The Bible says, ‘He that loves others loves himself.’ So if I don’t like myself that will influence my social interactions.
o Relationships can be transformed by showing concern for others. When we take interest in the concerns of another, we can make a friend of our greatest enemy.
3. Grace and Truth in Balance
o Understanding the difference between conditional and unconditional love is crucial. (see BLOG).
o Children need both. In a balanced home truth (conditional love) and grace (unconditional love) will be equally visible.
o When grace is too generously applied, truth suffers and vice versa.
o A child’s relationship and access to truth must be exercised. He or she must learn that life contains consequences, causation and conditions, and that there is great benefit in considering these when making decisions. Example: Living within the laws of health promotes a high quality of life.
o An experience with grace is also essential. We are not advocating spoiling a child; discipline seasoned with grace, a loving attitude that softens the unavoidable consequences demonstrates one’s unshakeable friendship and goodwill. Your reasonable actions, your interest in doing what’s best for the child will awaken a sensible response in the child. This balance of grace and truth – love and justice – can help children feel good about the discipline and instruction they receive.
o We should never sacrifice our relationship with our children for the sake of forced compliance. Relationships are paramount. In order for a certain behavior to be achieved, a corresponding measure of understanding, background, logic and values must all be in place. As adults we are sometimes negligent in supplying these and expect too much of our offspring.
o Many adults are tempted to force obedience using great pressure to produce quick results. A farsighted and careful construction of values in a child requires time and compassion, but will eventually produce lasting results.
o Comprehension and counsel should precede discipline whenever possible (see BLOG).
o In order to ascertain whether our impatience springs from our personal background or not, we should look inside ourselves and analyze our feelings. This process will help us make better decisions. Personal fears and deficits in parents can cause irreparable damage in children and should therefore be given as little influence as possible.
o Let’s do a better job – for the children’s sake!
A family that sticks together through thick and thin is great publicity for the value of a solid family and a source of never ending joy. If only there were more! Will you help raise the bar?
